Write As If You Were Dying

Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That is, after all, the case. What would you begin writing if you knew you would die soon? What could you say to a dying person that would not enrage by its triviality?

ANNIE DILLARD

Comments

[Stephen]

Be enraged, angry, confused, depressed, feel what ever you feel. Do what ever you need to do as long as it doesn't hurt you or someone or something else. But give yourselves full permission to feel everything at anytime.

Then have a turn off time when it's about writing ten things in a GRATITUDE JOURNAL. But not the sappy kind of entries. 40 days of entries without missing one day -

I AM THANKFUL FOR ....

The pain getting worse not better and my doctor doesn't know what to suggest. LIKE I'M SUPPOSEDTO KNOW? I am so angry that he doesn't suggest something. I'm in charge of this body - and my mind - but i don't have his information and training. Why the hell else would I be sitting in this chair?
I expect more - I know doctors are booked up and this one took years to find. Damn I'm disappointed.

I AM THANKFUL FOR ...

High humidity - high heat - and a small fan. I love my fan.
Oh HOLY CRAP - OCEAN BREEZE just started!

I AM THANKFUL FOR ...

I don't know how to cope with my sister. We meet we fight we separate angry - and we meet again - and learn nothing from it.

I wonder if I were to hold back and not express my anger, not talk, and just listen - maybe if I don't participate - things could be diffferent. I'm too ill to be fighting with anyone about anything.
And it's okay to say - I'M NOT UP FOR THIS TODAY. I CAN'T DO ARGUMENTS. I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW. And then really do leave. Just say NO!

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ...

Having a very bad day. But a very bad day in bed with the covers over my head or a bad day doing something outside or inside - doesn't seem to matter. I have a choice. Even if somethings I can't change. I'm going to have a crappy day reading in the shade under a fir tree outside my bedroom. I love reading.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ...

Someone today smiled right at me. And I thought - I"M NOT SMILING. I'M TOTALLY SELF-ABSORBED IN THE PAIN - THOUGHT - ISSUE - STRUGGLE OF THE MOMENT. Damn! That was wonderful. For a moment it took me out of myself. I spontaneously smiled back!

But that was after I thought in my head I really wanted to say - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMILING FOR? IF YOU KNEW WHAT I GO THROUGH IN JUST ONE DAY ... It's the 2nd thought that counts - sometimes I actually get to the 2nd thought faster then other days. Today was one of those good days.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ...

The patience I have with others is improving. That's good.
I've decided that a lot of thoughts and feelings and reactions I have felt like sharing or participating .... are crap! They drain my energy - and deplete my life force.

I'm just not getting so wound up to feel like being ON or IN IT or CONNECTED. I'm going to have less stuff running around in my mind. That's a goal! I'm not able to do it EVERYTIME!
I shall do my best.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ...

I spontaneously helped someone today. The person never knew I was fighting cancer and a tumor and kidney stones and a virus that can't be treated or cured. But it made a difference that I had a chance to be just a normal person helping out a stranger. I felt really good about myself. I never even told them my name. They dont' know I'm terminal. They don't know a thing about me! I love the anonimity about that! Damn! I just wrote about it here so it doesn't count. CRAP!

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ...

I have another day. And like it or not, I can say thanks. Because I'm reading a hell of a book and to die before I hit page 989 would really piss me off!

I AM THANKFUL FOR ...

It worked. My sister started to wind me up and I said - I don't have time or energy for this. I'm terminal and you're not. So if you have nothing positive to say - I can appreciate that. I just can't be around you some of the time. AND I LEFT HER !!!
I was only practicing. I could have stayed - but I had to practice this idea to see how it feels. IT FEELS GREAT TO SAY NO!

So you see - being thankful for being myself, whatever that may be - missing out nothing - and venting my frustrations - and finding beauty and joy in little things has value. These are actual entries. I just left out names and dates.

I'm writing about things that matter. I'm looking for stuff to write about. Creating things to write about. I have a choice. I have a piece of hope in my life I didn't have 40 days ago. (Actual entry this last paragraph.)

It makes a difference. I'm on day 100, now. And it's getting interesting because I'm seeing growth, change, maturity and a new level of insight in my life - that's a very profound experience to turn my illness into a vehicle for vigorous self-awareness.
New feelings, new choices, new depth of self-awareness are so meaningful.

I keep waiting around for hope. Writing in my book like this gives me hope. I also found out - I think whoever is writing this book is really funny! I must be channelling someone else, right?

I know that we all eventually want hope - perhaps hope for more life is not possible. But there are different kinds of hope in life. And this is my little way of creating ... it feels good to create. It gives me hope I'm making something good.

It's a mad mad mad mad mad mad world.
*Movie name from the 70's. *

Hey no one is going to get out of this alive. Guaranteed! And that's okay. I may know what is going to take me out, and have a limited guess at when it might be - roughly. But I have hope, choices and a growing sense of well-being that verges on self-love. That's not saving the world, but saving myself is saving my world. And personally - I've spent decades giving to others without fully giving to myself.